Newman Brand No Boil Water

It seems many people in our area have been advised to boil there water before using it due to the heavy rainfall and perhaps a little bit of a situation at Trenton Water Works. More info here. I know Chris has had to, as has Matt, and I am sure many of you reading this as well. I would like you to know that I'm sorry for you, and that I imagine it is quite a nuisance. Luckily, I am here to help!

Something you may not know about me is that I have well water. (In fact, it would be really weird if you did know this seeing as how it would rarely come up in conversation.) I take it as my responsibility. . . .nay, my civic duty to help out in this time of need. That's why I am pleased to announce Newman Brand No Boil Water!

Yup, for a limited time you can get water direct from me. What's so special about Newman Brand No Boil Water? Well, for one, I drop the bucket down the well and bottle it all myself. (Okay, sorry that's a lie - I make my wife do it.) Second, it comes with The Newman Stamp of Approval! The prestigious Newman Stamp of Approval has been awarded to very few products - namely, Pop Rocks and the complete first season of Stella on DVD - and this water's got it! Third, it doesn't contain feces.

So, you're obviously asking yourself: How can I get this water? Simple, send check or money order to my home, or just stop by, you can stay for dinner - we're having tacos. Oh, and also, please make checks payable to: Sir Michael Newman. Each 2 gallon bottle is $35 - Hey, I'm not made of water! (Only about 60%)

In all seriousness, I hope no one got sick from the water . . . that really doesn't sound sincere after this ridiculous post, does it? But, I'm serious, I hope everyone got the warning to boil your water if you are in the affected areas.