Newman Endorses #6: The Fake Mustache

During last night's Emmy Awards, Sarah Silverman was seen donning a fake mustache as the camera panned the nominees for Best Actress In A Comedy. Even if you are not the biggest Sarah Silverman fan, you must know she got something very right last night: Fake mustaches are ALWAYS funny.

The appeal of a fake mustache is the overall fakiness of it. Real mustaches CAN be funny, where as fake mustaches ARE funny. The only thing that would change this would be if you actually found a fake mustache that looked like it was your real mustache, but for this to be true you would have to be a big guy with puffy black hair, bushy eyebrows and chest-hair emanating from underneath your unbuttoned polo (also wouldn't hurt if you were a cop.) The fake mustache is so fake it's hilarious.

Take my friend John. He decided one night to wear a fake mustache out to some bars in NYC. Great move. People laughed when he saddled up to the bar, but they did not laugh at him; they wanted to talk to him because they thought he was funny. Huge success.

Imagine a very serious situation. The President is announcing that we are headed for another recession. The mood is somber. He stands at his podium, solemn, telling us the truth without sugar-coating it. Times will be tough. You stare at your TV, worried about your future. But, then he pauses, and while looking directly into the camera he puts on a ridiculous fake mustache. I'm laughing just thinking about it! You want health care reform Mr. President? I think I have your answer. Even Joe Wilson would start laughing before he could finish his two word outbursts.

So, I endorse going out and buying yourself a fake mustache. It is a small investment and it will pay huge dividends at places like your office, your home, at weddings and funerals (iffy) and tons of other places!