Thursday, April 29, 2010

The New Newman

I had the opportunity of meeting a lot of listeners out at Taste of the Nation this past Monday and it was an absolute blast! It is interesting though, I can predict the first line I will hear from anyone who is meeting me for the first time, "You're Newman? I thought you would be older?!" (You can also replace "older" with "taller") The conversation usually goes on about how young I look for a bit, which is totally fine, but now at 27 I think I am ready to appear older than 14.

My 14 year old image carries with it a degree of innocence, which is also fine, but I figure the best way for me to appear older, seeing as how I can not change my overall physical appearance, is to become a bit of a rebel. So, say hello to the New Newman.

Now, to be clear I am not planning on being a real rebel but instead some sort of quasi-rebel. Just someone with a little bit of an edge; which I hope in turn helps me appear old enough to attend an "R" rated movie without a parent or guardian. What sort of rebel tendencies will I have you ask? Well, for one - carpool lanes - drive in 'em by myself. But what if you get caught Newman?! No biggie, life's too short to subscribe to the law of The Man (Actually, I'd cry.) Also, I will rarely follow speed limits; I may go as fast as 4 to 5 miles per hour above the posted speed. What can I say, I live my life in the fast lane (middle lane.)

It won't just be about things I do while driving, no, I'll be purchasing a faux-leather jacket, many white t-shirts with sleeves that I can roll my candy cigarettes up in and be putting lightning bolts in my hair. Continuing, I will have to stop watching Dancing With The Stars, rebels don't watch that show (unless, my wife wants me to.) I will also only acknowledge people with a quick head-nod instead of my now customary, "Good Morning Sir/Ma'am/Small Child!" I will also replace my daily wine cooler with a daily shot of whiskey, and my daily nap with a daily barf-session.

Any other tips on appearing older and tougher would be greatly appreciated.

Word to your mother.

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