How to Win American Idol

The judges on American Idol usually have three different critiques they hurl at contestants - pitchiness, song choice and lack of a connection with the song. (This of course does not include Steven Tyler who likes everyone and who would ideally have everyone tie and form a gigantic family-esque band. . .and then put feathers in their hair.)

I have a little trick I've been holding on to that I believe would keep all negative critiques at bay. I'll demonstrate it in the following scenario:

Two contestants left - myself and Kris Allen (random pick). First up Kris Allen. He comes out and sings a beautiful rendition of Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" garnering praise from the judges. The bar is set high. I step on stage and in an odd twist am also singing Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah. And, I'm hitting no notes. I mean it's awful. Still, what I do during the song is about 20 seconds in I begin to cry. Not waterworks or anything, just a single tear slowly down my face. Viewers at home are saying, "Is he crying? I think he might be." Then the song builds and so does the emotion. I'm visibly holding back tears and my voice is cracking a bit. J. Lo begins to cry. Steven consoles her but he is shaking as well. They make out (not sure why.) The arrangement I have picked out has the performance ending in a crescendo of an instrumental-free "Hallelujah" and then I break down and fall to my knees, head in my hands and small sobs being picked up faintly by the mic. Pyrotechnics.

Did I hit a note? No. Not even close. But I just won America's vote.

My CD then proceeds to bomb.