Thursday, March 31, 2011

How to Win American Idol

The judges on American Idol usually have three different critiques they hurl at contestants - pitchiness, song choice and lack of a connection with the song. (This of course does not include Steven Tyler who likes everyone and who would ideally have everyone tie and form a gigantic family-esque band. . .and then put feathers in their hair.)

I have a little trick I've been holding on to that I believe would keep all negative critiques at bay. I'll demonstrate it in the following scenario:

Two contestants left - myself and Kris Allen (random pick). First up Kris Allen. He comes out and sings a beautiful rendition of Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" garnering praise from the judges. The bar is set high. I step on stage and in an odd twist am also singing Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah. And, I'm hitting no notes. I mean it's awful. Still, what I do during the song is about 20 seconds in I begin to cry. Not waterworks or anything, just a single tear slowly down my face. Viewers at home are saying, "Is he crying? I think he might be." Then the song builds and so does the emotion. I'm visibly holding back tears and my voice is cracking a bit. J. Lo begins to cry. Steven consoles her but he is shaking as well. They make out (not sure why.) The arrangement I have picked out has the performance ending in a crescendo of an instrumental-free "Hallelujah" and then I break down and fall to my knees, head in my hands and small sobs being picked up faintly by the mic. Pyrotechnics.

Did I hit a note? No. Not even close. But I just won America's vote.

My CD then proceeds to bomb.

1 comment:

Toni Ryan said...

110% YES, dawg! yo! yo!


that was one mad brilliant observation! sometimes your blog posts are little too karaoke for me, but i can tell you really took what i said about feeling it ... and blogging from your soul... and keeping your eyes open while you blog. and aside from monday and tuesday, the rest of the week says wednesday thursday and friday.

someone is in it to win this thing!