My Singing Career

It is well documented that I am an aspiring singer. My singing has been described as "Angelic" - (By my mom), "Beautiful" - (Also my mom), and "Like a dying cat" - (By my friend - sidenote: I have never heard a cat die, but apparently it's sensational). I felt pretty good about one day landing a lucrative recording contract, asking Diddy to appear on some of my tracks and moving my "gigs" from my home shower to sold out arenas around the globe. . .until this weekend.

My wife and I, had some of our friends over for dinner. After we ate, they broke out the video game "American Idol" for Nintendo Wii. If you are not familiar with this game, you actually sing into a microphone and then get judged, just like on Idol. Jackpot. A chance to show of my vocal abilities. I was the last to go. Both of our friends were "Put through to Hollywood" as was my wife. Not bad I thought, if these hacks can get through to Hollywood, I should sail through. I did not.

After performing what I can only describe as the single greatest cover of "Come Sail Away" by Styx, I came to the realization that, not only would I never get a recording contract, I may very well be the worst singer on the planet Earth.

Randy, who apparently asked the makers of the video game to make him appear very skinny??, said my performance was pitchy dawg (and then made a sound like the one you make with your teeth closed and mouth wide while breathing in air). Paula said I had a great look (which means I sucked but at least I am attractive, but when you are a drunk everyone is attractive, so that wasn't even that much of a compliment). Finally, Simon (whose haircut is quite easy to pixelate) basically told me I was worthless. Ouch.