BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

It seems to me as if TV stations are struggling with ways to try and compete with the immediacy of internet news. Why tune into TV when you can get the most up to the minute news at your fingertips? They have tried many ways to get people to tune in (one way may or may not include having their female anchors in low-cut tops - I believe they also tried this with their male anchors to no avail - seriously, that's gross Chuck Scarbourgh). So, the latest way CNN, MSNBC even ESPN are trying is by apparently having nonstop 'BREAKING NEWS!' The problem with this is when something is breaking news it implies it is news worth breaking. Turn on CNN and I guarantee there will be a breaking news headline at the bottom of the screen . . . this breaking news will neither be breaking or, in most cases, even considered news.

It has gotten out of control. It's like the boy who cried wolf - when there is actual breaking news, now I won't believe you. So to help, I have compiled a short guide for the networks of what can and cannot be considered 'BREAKING NEWS!'

BREAKING NEWS! Severe Natural Disaster Extensive Flooding!
NOT BREAKING NEWS Rain tomorrow.

BREAKING NEWS! Alex Rodriguez admits to steriod use!
NOT BREAKING NEWS Former Chicago Whitesox second Baseman and .237 hitter Lui Rodriguez admits to steroid use.


BREAKING NEWS! Peanut Butter Recall Claims More Victims!
NOT BREAKING NEWS Peanut Butter is Good.


BREAKING NEWS! Wolf Blitzer Found Dead!
NOT BREAKING NEWS Wolf Blitzer trims his beard.

BREAKING NEWS! Obama signs Stimulus Bill!
NOT BREAKING NEWS Obama signs up for White House basketball team (I am scared this may actually have been a headline)

BREAKING NEWS! Dangerous Winds Cause Major Blackouts in Northeast!
NOT BREAKING NEWSWillard Scott in a Tutu.

(Actually, scratch that last one, that would fly.)

So, good luck to all the networks. I think if you follow along you'll get the hang of it.