A Letter To The Kid Who Threw a Snowball At My Car

Dear Kid:

It's on! Hope you had a ton of laughs over hitting my car with that snowball yesterday because you won't be laughing much longer. Your little prank was about as funny as the stand-up comedian Gallagher. Oh, you don't know who Gallagher was? What's that, you were born in 1998? Well, here's a crash-course on his routine: He smashed watermelons with a giant mallet. . . Which is exactly what I am going to do to you!!!!

Oh, wait, oh God no, I didn't mean smash you with a mallet, that sounds awful! I actually meant I was planning on smashing a watermelon in front of you when you get off the school bus.

You think I am above picking fights with 12 year olds? Wrong! You messed with the wrong slightly feminine looking car boy-o! (The term 'Boy-O' is from the movie Gangs of New York with Leonardo DiCaprio and Daniel Day Lewis. I have been wanting to use it for years.)

Newman

PS - On a serious note, please don't throw snowballs at moving cars it's really dangerous. On another serious not, Gallagher's comedy is that awful.