Thursday, June 3, 2010

Newman's Advice on 28 Years of Living

Yesterday, I turned the big 2-8. I figured, as I have now been at this life for quite a while, that it is time to unleash my knowledge onto the world. I fear sometimes that I have to much knowledge in my head and perhaps it is only fair I shared it with everyone, or at least those that read my blog, aka Toni Ryan. Fact: I often get headaches which the doctor informed me, come from the fact that my head is actually too small to house my brain. (ok, partial fact - I get headaches a lot.) So, what follows is some of the best, most important things I have learned in my 28 years of life:

  • Don't circle Waldo in your Where's Waldo? books. One day you will want to play again, or give the book to a child, and it will be utterly pointless. Do, however, circle the wrong people to confuse the future you.

  • Always cut your sandwiches on a diagonal, unless you are feeling a little crazy, in which case go triangles. Never cut in half vertically.

  • After each preview before a movie everyone in the theater will quietly turn to the person next to them and whisper their thoughts, this is the best time to make a loud farting noise.

  • A.C. Slater was not a well defined character.

  • Buying a manual transmission car seems like an awesome idea, until you sit in Route 1 traffic.

  • Crunch peanut butter

  • Things you liked as a kid, when revisited as an adult, are almost always awful (Exception: Big League Chew)

  • Arrested Development was an incredible show, but an awful 80's hip-hop group

  • The best way to eat Lucky Charms is to attempt to eat all the granola pieces in your bowl first, thus enjoying a few spoonfuls of straight marshmallows at the end.

  • Telling people you try to eat organic produce makes you sound like a jerk.

  • Eat organic produce

  • The 8 Items or Less line at the grocery store means 8 single items, not 8 different kinds of things (ie. If you have 16 cans of cat food that is not 1 item.)

  • Taking Spanish is useful. Taking French is sexy. Taking 8 years of German is neither.

  • Clean bed sheets is life's greatest pleasure

That is about all for now. I will share other pieces of wisdom as they come to me.

1 comment:

Kim "Weak" said...

Awww...I took 3 years of German and all I can do is call my uncle a "d!@% head" and tell my activity partner "you are an idiot" when he proceeds to take the Ellios directly from the oven (which he did not all) right into his greedy little mouth and complain that "it burned me:(", I thank Freu Biddle for at least teaching me those select phrases