Thursday, October 14, 2010

Could You Survive Lindsay's Rehab

Let's assume for a minute that you have a drug problem. You realize after you sell your child for $15 to score some more drugs, that you need help. You can check yourself into rehab and are given the same rules to follow that Lindsay Lohan must as well - how would you do?

Here are a few of the rules that The Betty Ford Clinic sets that Lindsay is obligated to follow:

1. No Caffeinated Drinks - I am cool with this as long as group, or any of the other things you do in rehab (beach volleyball?), won't start until after 1pm. Otherwise, I will need something to get me going in the morning, like cocaine, but I'm guessing that's not allowed - although that's just a guess.

2. No Sunglasses or Hats - The idea here is that you could hide drugs in a hat and hide their effects with sunglasses, but this doesn't take in to account how cool you need to look in rehab! Here you are going through withdrawal, looking all strung out, and you're telling me I can't wear my pair of Dolce and Gabbana designer shades (got 'em at a highway reststop!)or my 1960's inspired feathered fedora? This one is gonna be tough, but I think I could get by.

3. No Cell Phone - I'm out.

4. No Alcohol Based Products (Including: Nail Polish Remover, Hair Gel and Hairspray) - You're telling me I can't wear a hat AND I can't style my blowout?! What is this prison or my excuse to stay out of prison?

5. Field-Trips Must Be Earned - I assume it is based on some sort of gold star program, and that they have a chart to track your progress like in elementary school. This sounds fun! (And, those gold stars cost like $2 at the store). I love field trips. Hey, it would be like that movie The Dream Team! That trip went swimingly. May I suggest The Franklin Institute?

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