BIG NEWS!

So, I have some pretty big news! This morning we were reading a list of the sexiest vampires ever, a list that included Brad Pitt from Interview With a Vampire and Robert "My Last Name Should Be Patterson" Pattinson from Twilight, and it dawned on me - What do all these desirable vampires have in common? They are all really, really pale. You know who else is really pale? Me. So, it can only be assumed that I am in fact - a vampire.

Wow! I know, pretty huge news. I have always wondered why I need a triple-digit SPF, and now, through some incredibly flawed logic, I know - because I am a vampire.

I have noticed a substantial increase in teenage girls asking for a poster of me for their bedroom (this is not true, nor do I even offer a Newman poster, or any merchandise for that matter. I am however, working on a Newman Fathead wall-graphic which will be available for the introductory price of $4.99 [shipping is 87 dollars] soon).

It is amazing how much your life changes when you realize you a vampire heartthrob. I find myself tired during the day (this clearly being due to my aversion from sunlight, or the fact that I wake up at 4am) and I have a common craving for blood. . . No wait, not blood, what's the word I'm looking for. . .oh yeah, Funyuns. I have a large craving for Funyuns. I still like garlic, which I am not sure why, being a vampire and all, I can only chalk that one up to the fact that I am most likely a vampire with super-powers. You know who's not a vampire with super-powers? Robert Pattinson. (Unless, you consider the ability to disguise your accent a super-power, in which case, Robert Pattinson has phenomenal super-powers ala Hugh Laurie.)

I know, it's a lot to take in: Your fourth favorite morning show personality is in fact a real life vampire.