Tuesday, November 24, 2009


So, I have some pretty big news! This morning we were reading a list of the sexiest vampires ever, a list that included Brad Pitt from Interview With a Vampire and Robert "My Last Name Should Be Patterson" Pattinson from Twilight, and it dawned on me - What do all these desirable vampires have in common? They are all really, really pale. You know who else is really pale? Me. So, it can only be assumed that I am in fact - a vampire.

Wow! I know, pretty huge news. I have always wondered why I need a triple-digit SPF, and now, through some incredibly flawed logic, I know - because I am a vampire.
I have noticed a substantial increase in teenage girls asking for a poster of me for their bedroom (this is not true, nor do I even offer a Newman poster, or any merchandise for that matter. I am however, working on a Newman Fathead wall-graphic which will be available for the introductory price of $4.99 [shipping is 87 dollars] soon).

It is amazing how much your life changes when you realize you a vampire heartthrob. I find myself tired during the day (this clearly being due to my aversion from sunlight, or the fact that I wake up at 4am) and I have a common craving for blood. . . No wait, not blood, what's the word I'm looking for. . .oh yeah, Funyuns. I have a large craving for Funyuns. I still like garlic, which I am not sure why, being a vampire and all, I can only chalk that one up to the fact that I am most likely a vampire with super-powers. You know who's not a vampire with super-powers? Robert Pattinson. (Unless, you consider the ability to disguise your accent a super-power, in which case, Robert Pattinson has phenomenal super-powers ala Hugh Laurie.)

I know, it's a lot to take in: Your fourth favorite morning show personality is in fact a real life vampire.

1 comment:

Toni Ryan said...

i knew there was something up about you. your face never shows up in any of our group pictures. and somehow all of my livestock is mysteriously slaughtered and drained of blood whenever you guys come over.