Not Every Food Network Dish Is Delicious

My favorite part of any cooking show on TV is where the host/chef tastes the dish after he finishes. I flat-out have no idea what the purpose of this is. One would assume you enjoy the dish, and apparently, sometimes you REALLY enjoy the dish (Giada De Laurentiis) but you would never dislike the dish because you are the one on TV selling us the idea of making it, and in turn justifying your job as a Food Network host. Which, is exactly why I LOVE this video of Sandra Lee not exactly enjoying the cocktail she just made:

The Only Oscar That Matters

Big night in Hollywood Sunday - The 82nd Annual Oscars! I don't know about you, but I am pumped!

Just like every year, I have seen less than three of the nominated movies, and just like every year I won't let that get in the way of me giving my two cents. I think The Hurt Locker (didn't see it) will win Best Picture, but who really cares about that over-hyped category. Let's talk about the Oscar that matters the most, the Oscar for:

Sound Mixing!

This year's crop of sound mixers feature some juggernauts. I mean, who will take it? Greg "Rampage" Russell? Michael "Magic Fingers" Minkler? Or, the lady of the group, Anna Behlmer? It's gonna be a barn-burner!

My pick, the underdog, Paul N.J. Ottosson. The reasons for this pick is simple. A) I love people who use their middle initials in their name. B) He worked on The Hurt Locker which I assume (again, didn't see it) has lots of explosions. That's a lot of sound mixing! (I assume, I have no idea what sound mixing entails.)

Who do you guys got? Don't even tell me you're going Michael Minkler! Ha!

How YOU Can Be On American Idol!

Thousands upon thousands of people try out for American Idol every season. Of those thousands really only a handful are so skilled the judges can picture them as the winner of the competition. However, before they get to that Kelly Clarkson, David Cook or Kris Allen they show tons of people auditioning. The people they show will fall into one of three categories:

1. Amazing
2. Good
3. Bad but somewhat funny

The majority of contestants that make it on to TV are in the 'Good' category, but the thing is, there are tons of 'good' singers who try out. So, how can you be one of those 'good' singers who actually get featured on TV. Sure, you could be really attractive, have an interesting story or hook up with the producers (my plan) but there is one simple way you can improve your chances dramatically: Bring a kid.

You have a 73% (complete guess) better chance of being featured on TV if you have a kid with you (85% if the kid is cute and 100% if they are Haley Joel Osment cute.) So, assuming you are already a decent singer and you want to be on Idol, here is my plan for you:

Step 1: Acquire a child. Now, you can do this the natural way or you can simply borrow a friend's.

Step 2: Teach the kid to ham it up for the camera. If the kid gets quiet when the lights go on ditch him. You want an entertaining kid. Perhaps consider teaching him or her a catch phrase for after you make it, like, "Mommy's always been my idol!"

Step 3: Make sure producers see you with the kid, playing or having fun while waiting. Don't waste the kid.

Step 4: Perform, and if they don't already know about your child (or borrowed child) say something like, "My son/daughter/little brother/little sister loves the show and always wanted to meet you Simon." Always go for Simon (or whoever replaces him) you want to go for the person with the most pull. Nobody is going to believe your kid wants to meet Randy.

There you go! Grab your yellow ticket and pack your bags for Hollywood.

For Dry, Red Lips

Ok, Ben Stein, you've got the dry, red eyes thing under control, now call up your buddy Shaq and get me something for dry, red lips.

You can't tell too well from this picture but my upper lip has been so chapped recently, it now has this extra red line above it. I've been using a chapstick which says to stop use if irritation occurs, well this is irritated (Side note: 'Chapstick' has become a term akin to 'Band-Aid' where the name of a specific product has come to refer to any product that does the same thing as it. That is just about the pinnacle of success for a product. And, it's exactly what I plan on happening with "The Newman" my new invention - it's a Snuggie with a velcro-fly.) So, I stopped using the chapstick but now my lips are as dry as The Royal Tenenbaums (and about as funny.) Not only are they red, but they really hurt.

Anybody got any suggestions? I'm considering amputation. Please help.

PS - Yes, I have to shave.

I'm The Worst

As a New Year's resolution this year I have decided to get serious about eating healthier and exercising smarter. YAWWWWWNN! What a boring, cliche resolution, I know, but I am doing other cool stuff this year which you can read about here.

So, I decided to start it off by getting a fitness assessment at the gym to see where I'm at. Most of the numbers were about where I thought they would be, and overall I was pleased, but one thing REALLY stood out. The fact that I am officially the least flexible person on planet earth. I cannot stress enough how that statement is not an exaggeration; I very well may be the least flexible person of all the billions of people in the world. You know you're grandfather, the one with the cane and orthopedic shoes? Yeah, he is more flexible than me.

For the flexibility portion of the assessment you do something called the Sit and Reach Test, where you sit with your legs stretched out flat against the ground and reach forward as far as you can. Here is an example of the results and where you should fall according to your age and sex:

I am a 27 year old male, so the average person my age can reach 17.5 inches. To be plastic-man-like you probably have to be able to reach over 20 inches, while poor would be anything below 15. So, how far did I reach? 6.9 inches!! The lowest number on the chart is 10 and 1/2 inches! I am light years away from the worst distance listed! Well over 99% of guys my age can reach further. I have to double my distance just to be in the 10th percentile. The trainer suggested I do yoga, and since I already tossed a masculine image away years ago, I think I may give it a shot.

So, this year I have a new goal to add to my list: I will become more flexible (ladies)!

A Lesson In Passion

How far are you willing to go for your favorite food? It is a question Klondike has pondered for years. It seemed the common answer to this question is: Dance like a monkey. But, this embarrassing little act fails in comparison to what Melodi Dushane was willing to do for her Chicken McNuggets: Punch through the drive-thru window.

I think we can all learn something from Melodi, and that is, some things in life are worth fighting for. We should all be so lucky to have something we so deeply care about that we are willing to punch through life's proverbial "Drive-Thru Window." We can also learn something else - Melanie Dushane is an idiot.

While, the story gets joked about in the news, not one news report has focused on the most bizarre thing in the story. Melanie, could not get Chicken McNuggets because she arrived before 11am. NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN MAD FOR BEING AT MCDONALDS TOO EARLY!

PS - She also has a funny last name.

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Newman Reviews MTV's Jersey Shore

Buried under a pile of used Hollywood Tans gift cards and empty whey protein powder jugs, there's something very interesting about MTV's new reality show Jersey Shore - and that is, the fact that it is completely, 100% accurate.

While I have only seen one episode so far from what I can gather the show will contain lots of drinking, fist-pumping and people being punched in the face (though to be fair, I can't tell if the punching in the face is actually just people walking into a fist-pump.) After the show aired, I knew it would not help our rep here in Jersey. It premiered right before we played West Virginia in football (and by "we" I mean Rutgers) and the insults their fans threw our way were obvious: "Hey, youz guyz going clubbing?" WVU fans shouted. (As a side-note: I am not even 100% sure this is an insult. No, I am not going clubbing? It's 10am and we're in a football stadium.) Any Jersey stereotype portrayed in Jersey Shore was ammunition for these two-toothed fans (Hey, it goes both ways.)

Do I like this situation? No. And, I don't like The Situation either for that matter - or anyone who refers to themselves in the third-person-nickname sense, but the fact of the matter is, Jersey Shore depicts exactly what happens in Jersey. Is this everybody in the state? Of course not. But, like all stereotypes, a group of people ends up representing an entire community. The truth is, you'll see guys resembling Sonic The Hedgehog with "Did you fall asleep in the tanning bed" girls at Jersey clubs.

So, while people from outside the state may make fun of us from Jersey because of this show, I say, just enjoy it. It's entertaining, and it's probably closer to reality TV than many reality shows out there. I've got it on my season pass. Now, who wants to go do Jager-bombs?

BIG NEWS!

So, I have some pretty big news! This morning we were reading a list of the sexiest vampires ever, a list that included Brad Pitt from Interview With a Vampire and Robert "My Last Name Should Be Patterson" Pattinson from Twilight, and it dawned on me - What do all these desirable vampires have in common? They are all really, really pale. You know who else is really pale? Me. So, it can only be assumed that I am in fact - a vampire.

Wow! I know, pretty huge news. I have always wondered why I need a triple-digit SPF, and now, through some incredibly flawed logic, I know - because I am a vampire.

I have noticed a substantial increase in teenage girls asking for a poster of me for their bedroom (this is not true, nor do I even offer a Newman poster, or any merchandise for that matter. I am however, working on a Newman Fathead wall-graphic which will be available for the introductory price of $4.99 [shipping is 87 dollars] soon).

It is amazing how much your life changes when you realize you a vampire heartthrob. I find myself tired during the day (this clearly being due to my aversion from sunlight, or the fact that I wake up at 4am) and I have a common craving for blood. . . No wait, not blood, what's the word I'm looking for. . .oh yeah, Funyuns. I have a large craving for Funyuns. I still like garlic, which I am not sure why, being a vampire and all, I can only chalk that one up to the fact that I am most likely a vampire with super-powers. You know who's not a vampire with super-powers? Robert Pattinson. (Unless, you consider the ability to disguise your accent a super-power, in which case, Robert Pattinson has phenomenal super-powers ala Hugh Laurie.)

I know, it's a lot to take in: Your fourth favorite morning show personality is in fact a real life vampire.

You Already Heard That Joke

This past weekend I got to see Jim Gaffigan in New Brunswick. First off - hilarious. Go see him if he comes around again, he was great.

What I don't get is this: I love going to comedy shows, but whenever I go to see someone who has achieved a level of fame from being on TV, like Jim Gaffigan, the crowd always cheers to hear a certain joke. I find this incredibly strange. Jim Gaffigan has a pretty famous bit he does about Hot Pockets (check it out here) and people were shouting for him to do it during the show (a few people even had empty Hot Pocket boxes to hold up - Funny during the show. Funnier after when you're the guy caring an empty box of Hot Pockets through the streets of New Brunswick. Try to convince someone you're sober). For me, once I have heard a joke, I am pretty much set. A great joke is very different from a great song, while I love hearing a live performance of my favorite song (Party All The Time), I am not sure I care about hearing my favorite joke live. (DO FREE BIRD!) It could be the funniest joke ever, but once I've heard it, it just doesn't work.

Do you agree?

Newman Reviews: Wellness Wellbars - Chicken & Cheddar Cheese

For far too long we've described things in such a way that we don't say what we really mean: 'Bath' room, Care 'taker', 'Dog' food.

Let me ask you - what does the following sound like to you: Sweet potatoes, cheddar cheese and beef broth? Cause to me, it sounds delicious. Something meant to be devoured and enjoyed. And, that it is . . . by a dog. But why? This sounds like something I would like to eat, and so I did.

This weekend I sampled the Chicken and Cheddar Cheese flavor of Wellness Wellbars dog treats. On a scale of 1-1o, with 1 being liver and 10 being lobster, Wellness Wellbars: Chicken and Cheddar Cheese are a solid 6. Is 6 that good? No. However, just like dog-years, this food needs to be adjusted because of the fact they're meant for your pet, which after the adjustment puts it at a solid 13! A 13! So in a way, these dog treats are better than a juicy rib-eye cooked in butter! (This logic makes zero sense)

My only complaint about Wellness Wellbars is they are incredibly dry. Now, to be fair things I have cooked have been dry, like last nights' chicken breast, to fix this I usually bath the dry food in sauce. So, perhaps Wellness Wellbars just need a delicious sauce to accompany them (I'd try a carbonara or a light wine reduction). Otherwise, the sweet potato really comes through and the light hint of beef really adds a new depth of flavor, and lets be honest, who doesn't like cheddar cheese (People who are lactose intolerant).

So, next time you are in the mood for a snack before you grab those chips, consider instead one of you little buddies biscuits (treats not poop . . . it sounded like I was endorsing eating dog poop) . . . or don't cause they are far more expensive.

What's Your Honking Style

If you are driving and happen to see someone you know walking by how do you honk to get their attention? This debate arose this morning where myself, Chris and Tommy all seem to have different styles of honking. Now, you probably have never thought about how you do this, and that is probably a good thing, but just try to think about it for a second. Here are differing view points:

• Newman (The Stealth Honker) Honkers (funny word) like myself give a short, light honk to get the person's attention. This is in an attempt to differentiate the honk from a standard "YOU CAN'T SWITCH LANES INTO ME YOU MORON!" honk. By doing this it is my goal to both alert the person walking by and perserve the safety of those drivers around me. It was debated that this would not be easy for anyone to identify where the sound was coming from, occasionally this may be true but you have to be safe. "Safety First," is what I always say (literally, it's how I sign my emails: "Thanks for listening to PST. Safety First, Newman)
  
• Chris (The La-La Honker) Chris' honk I believe can be described as a short song. Beep-Be-Be-Beep-Beep. First off, a better idea is just to get a horn that plays La Cucaracha . . . it is never not funny (however, it does take away a bit of the effectiveness when are really angry at someone.) I do agree that this honk has an air of playfulness about it so as another driver I would not always be jolted into thinking someone is honking at me, but I would sometimes and I think others would to. Safety first! (see)
  
• Tommy (The Loud and Proud) Tommy's style varies little from his standard honking style. Whether, cut off by an old lady in a Cadillac or greeting a friend, the sound is the same HOONNNNNNNKKKKKK! With this honk you are guarenteed to accomplish your goal - your friend will look at you, but so will everyone else, and when they're looking at you, you know what they're not looking at? The road. Safety first.
  

Who's side are you on?

Joe Girardi Loves Twilight

Yesterday, the New York Yankees lost a tough, extra-innings game to the Angels. During this heartbreaking loss, New York skipper, Joe Girardi, made some questionable decisions that could have played a large role in the loss. Was it simple over-managing, or was it something else? I think I know.

You see, every time Joe made a move in the game, he consulted this book that you would assume was the reports and stats on the opposing players and possible matchups. However, I doubt this is the case, seeing as how every single time he made a decision it seemed to go horribly wrong. The odds that the worst outcome would happen each time seems very low. So, I have come to a conclusion - It was not a stat book Joe was reading, but rather something else entirely. Something intriguing. Something people obsess over. Something popular. Something like Twilight!

The first strange move came when Andy Pettite was pitching to Vladimir "I'm not Russian" Guerrero. Joe came out to talk to Pettite and Posada after reading his book, and after the talk the next pitch Pettite served up got tattooed into the bleachers. Clearly, Girardi told him to lay one down the middle because he was at a thrilling point in the book and didn't want to put it down when the inning would end. Maybe, the part where Edward tries to rescue Kristen Stewart from the aliens (I haven't read the book.)

The other move ended the game, when Girardi consulted his book and then pulled David Robertson, who had just got two quick outs in the 11th inning, out of the game. The Yankees brought in Aceves to pitch, who quickly lost the game in two hits. Joe, most likely just finished his Twilight and wanted to hurry home to get his copy of New Moon started. I love the New York Jeter & A-Rods and I think I speak for all fans when I say, "Joe, get your head in the game."

TLC

You can learn a lot from watching TV, however you can learn very little from watching The Learning Channel. For general learning I prefer the History channel, PBS or many other channels that are not called "The Learning Channel." I think I actually learn more from watching Fox News (ZINGER!)

First off you have Jon and Kate Plus 8 and Duggars Big Family Album, the only thing I am learning from these shows is one day I should get a vasectomy. Actually, that is not fair, I did learn more about bowling in one of the episodes of The Duggars, after they showed 17 minutes straight of them bowling (that is not educational or entertaining.)

I enjoy LA Ink but I can't say I have learned much from the show.

And, check out this episode description for an episode of Police Women of Broward County:

The four tough-talking Police Women of Broward County battle crime as Andrea tackles a drug dealer twice her size, Ana outsmarts a stripper with some drugs to hide, Julie goes undercover as a prostitute and Shelunda investigates a bloody fight.

Is this a show on TLC or an episode of Real World Road Rules Challenge?

To be fair there are some shows that I could learn things from on TLC if I watched them, but overall I think it is time to change the name of the network. Perhaps, "TLC: Tons of Loud Children"

Tailgate Recap (9/7/09)

Despite the fact that the Rutger's game yesterday bordered on unwatchable, the tailgate before hand was quite solid.

I arrived at 11am for the 4 o'clock game, which I felt was a reasonable amount of time to tailgate. As I walked to the lot my friends and I are in, I got to see the new closed endzone of Rutgers Stadium. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen (Most beautiful things I have ever seen: 1) My Wife 2) Rutger's Stadium's closed Endzone 3) New born puppies). It was amazing. Did I cry? No. I'm not a girl. But, I did get choked up. It was beautiful in the way only $100 million can buy you.

First up at the tailgate from Lenny (he handles all the cooking at the tailgate, and frankly, is out of his mind. No standard hot dogs and burgers) Grilled Cheese Burgers. It's a burger with two grilled cheese sandwiches as the bun. Correct. A BURGER BETWEEN TWO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES! HOW AM I STILL ALIVE RIGHT NOW? It was, as you could imagine, incredible. Hey, I can't feel my left arm?

After downing the burger I ate a couple of the cupcakes my wife made, plus a few carrots from the veggie tray to counteract the other food I. I was actually most likely getting healthier.

Up next: Live Lobster. Shut up! Live lobster at a tailgate. Yes. (By the way that is Lenny in the picture. Not me. And a lobster. Again not me.) Nothing goes better with cheap cans of beer than fresh grilled lobster. It was delicious.

Before heading into the stadium, we had some chipotle marinated chicken tenders which I enjoyed with two pieces of broccoli, which helped negate the fact that I just ate three days worth of calories.

My (Fake) Interview With Randy Jackson

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with American Idol judge, Randy Jackson. Being my favorite judge on Idol, I was looking forward to asking him about America's most popular TV show. Unfortunately, I was left with few answers and perhaps a worse understanding of the English language. Here is the (fake) transcript of the interview:

Newman: Randy Jackson, thanks so much for taking the time.

Randy: What's going down, baby?

Newman: Um, nothing, nothing is going down. What's going down with you?

Randy: American Idol season 8, WHAT!

Newman: Yes, exciting, I'm looking forward to a good season. What do you think about this season's crop of singers.

Randy: Listen, baby, SEASON 8 IS BLAZIN' MOLTEN LAVA HOT!!

Newman: Wow, that is quite hot. Who are you most excited about?

Randy: Dawg, Season 8, I don't know, WHAT!

Newman: Why are you yelling?

Randy: The dawg's always excited, baby!

Newman: Um, ok, also, I feel uncomfortable with you calling me "Baby" if you wouldn't mind stopping that.

Randy: (Pointing at camera that does not exist) I like this one! We got a hot one right here!

Newman: Are you hitting on me?

Randy: Listen, we got some singers who can blow it out the box this season!

Newman: I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.

Randy: Blow it out the box, WHAT!

Newman: What box?

Randy: Listen, these cats can really blow. Season 8, gonna be hot!

Newman: Well I am looking forward to it. Thanks for coming by.

Randy: (Sucking in air between his closed teeth, like he is about to break bad news) I don't know dawg, this interview was just aight with me, kinda pitchy in spots. . . Paula?

Newman: Um, Paula isn't here, and how can an interview be 'Pitchy?'

Randy: Season 8 WHAT!

Newman: Goodbye, Mr. Jackson.

LOST 2/18/09

Seeing that LOST is now more confusing than an American Idol elimination I have decided to just post the questions I have from the last episode instead of a recap. So, here is what I want help figuring out:

1. Why did Jack not ask Ben why his face was all bloodied-up? I mean it wasn't exactly a scratch, Ben's whole face, neck and mid-life crisis motorcycle jacket were covered in blood, you wouldn't bring that up?

2. What, again, is the significance of the white rabbits?

3. Hurley - worst beard ever?

4. Are the other passengers from the Aljiria (sp? - I am sure) on the island now? And, did they land on the island because of a flash in time?

Where Do You Park At Car Dealerships?

The laws of parking are fairly straightforward for 99% of the times you will park your car: If you're not handicapped you don't park in the handicapped spaces. That's it. If you follow that rule, you can get by. However, there is one place where after 9 years of driving, I still have no idea how or where to park at. That place is a car dealership.

There are new things you have to consider at a car dealership when parking your car. Like, "Is this an open spot or is this the section they only keep their cars in? And, subsequently is there any way they could sell my car if I parked there?" (That second part probably only occurs to me and people with mild paranoia.) Next, you consider, "Is this a spot I can park in or is this where they keep cars they are servicing? And again, subsequently, if I park there will they fix the slight irregularity in my rear-tire alignment?" (This thought probably only occurs to me and people with a mild case of wishful thinking.)

Most of the time there are 3 to 4 spots right up front which happen to always be full with "planted cars" (I believe these to be cars that the dealership owns and places there in hopes you will park somewhere else and they can then, once again, attempt to sell your car.)

It is all very tricky. Which is why I recommend purchasing a rovercraft for the sole purpose of driving to a car dealership. Yes, this isn't exactly cost effective but consider the other benefits: Women dig hovercrafts. (This statement probably only occurs to me and people with a mild cas . . . ok just me.)

My New Invention

They say the most brilliant inventions are born out of simple problem solving ideas. It was dark - Edison gave us light. We needed email - Al Gore gave us the internet. Now, you can add me to the list of people who gave back to the community with an ingenious invention . . . kind of. Here's the thing, I can't actually make my invention, it is only an idea. . . but what an idea!!

Just like these other great minds, I have a very simple story that I will tell whenever someone asks me how I came up with my invention (which I assume will be quite frequent, but never annoying, because I plan on being an accessible celebrity). "So, Newman what is this marvelous product and how did you come up with it?" Well, funny you should ask random internet blog:

It all started with a scary looking homeless man (see already my story is better than those other inventors). I was stopped at a light in a seedy area of town when I noticed said scary homeless man walking along the sidewalk towards my car. Perhaps, at this point I should say he was most likely not homeless, just a man with a grizzly beard and old tshirt, but I am easliy frightened (like a timid mouse . . . an adorable timid mouse). So, as this guy was getting close to my car I casually locked my doors. CLICK CLICK, CLICK CLICK! (My car is only a 2-door so it was only two clicking noises, but obviously a 4-door would be infinitely louder . . . ok, not infinitely, about double . . . ok, no about double, exactly double). Anyway, he definitely heard it. Real embarrassing. I assume he looked at me after he heard the doors lock, but I don't know because I was too busy acting like I was flipping through my radio.

So, my invention: Silent locking doors. This will prevent situations like this from occuring. Yes, this seems like a really simple problem, maybe even a stupid one. . .ok, not maybe, definitel, but these are the scenarios brilliant ideas are formed from.

They will cost $14,000.