I've Lost Respect For Simon

So, here's Simon Cowell, he tells it like it is, sugar coats nothing and places honesty above kindness. An aura of authority and machismo the likes have which have not been seen since 90's WWF wrestler, Razor Ramon. He's a tough guy, a bully, or at least that's what I thought until last night's episode of Idol.

In a swift two seconds he changed my entire opinion about him. What did I realize? Simon Cowell claps like a girl!!! I don't know if it's a British thing, which would not surprise me, or just a Simon thing, but he looks so feminine clapping. (In the previous two sentences I have managed to insult women, Brits and people without hands.)

It's like realizing the bully from middle school still sleeps with a teddy bear. His mystique is gone! Here's a video of Simon clapping from X-Factor I couldn't find the Idol clip, but if you have it on your DVR, it's right at the beginning (actually, even if you don't have it on your DVR it is still at the beginning, it's not conditional on you having a copy of it.)

How YOU Can Be On American Idol!

Thousands upon thousands of people try out for American Idol every season. Of those thousands really only a handful are so skilled the judges can picture them as the winner of the competition. However, before they get to that Kelly Clarkson, David Cook or Kris Allen they show tons of people auditioning. The people they show will fall into one of three categories:

1. Amazing
2. Good
3. Bad but somewhat funny

The majority of contestants that make it on to TV are in the 'Good' category, but the thing is, there are tons of 'good' singers who try out. So, how can you be one of those 'good' singers who actually get featured on TV. Sure, you could be really attractive, have an interesting story or hook up with the producers (my plan) but there is one simple way you can improve your chances dramatically: Bring a kid.

You have a 73% (complete guess) better chance of being featured on TV if you have a kid with you (85% if the kid is cute and 100% if they are Haley Joel Osment cute.) So, assuming you are already a decent singer and you want to be on Idol, here is my plan for you:

Step 1: Acquire a child. Now, you can do this the natural way or you can simply borrow a friend's.

Step 2: Teach the kid to ham it up for the camera. If the kid gets quiet when the lights go on ditch him. You want an entertaining kid. Perhaps consider teaching him or her a catch phrase for after you make it, like, "Mommy's always been my idol!"

Step 3: Make sure producers see you with the kid, playing or having fun while waiting. Don't waste the kid.

Step 4: Perform, and if they don't already know about your child (or borrowed child) say something like, "My son/daughter/little brother/little sister loves the show and always wanted to meet you Simon." Always go for Simon (or whoever replaces him) you want to go for the person with the most pull. Nobody is going to believe your kid wants to meet Randy.

There you go! Grab your yellow ticket and pack your bags for Hollywood.