The Most Exciting Thing About This Season of Idol

To be honest, I am not sure anybody on this season of American Idol really intrigues me. I mean, I like Crystal and I like Alex Lambert, but I definitely feel this season is lacking in star power - not talent - star power. Sure, most of them are really good singers, but there's not much about any of them that interests me. Which, is why I have picked the most exciting thing about Season 9 of American Idol as:

Randy's Watch!


http://video.yahoo.com/watch/7130624/18562409 @ Yahoo! Video

Step aside innocent little Katie Stevens and Aaron Kelly. Move aside Andrew Garcia and your awesomely scary neck-tattoo. The coolest thing about Idol this year is that blue watch Randy wears. I did some research, because I really want one, and it's from a company called Toy Watch USA and cost between $100-$200, I believe.

How YOU Can Be On American Idol!

Thousands upon thousands of people try out for American Idol every season. Of those thousands really only a handful are so skilled the judges can picture them as the winner of the competition. However, before they get to that Kelly Clarkson, David Cook or Kris Allen they show tons of people auditioning. The people they show will fall into one of three categories:

1. Amazing
2. Good
3. Bad but somewhat funny

The majority of contestants that make it on to TV are in the 'Good' category, but the thing is, there are tons of 'good' singers who try out. So, how can you be one of those 'good' singers who actually get featured on TV. Sure, you could be really attractive, have an interesting story or hook up with the producers (my plan) but there is one simple way you can improve your chances dramatically: Bring a kid.

You have a 73% (complete guess) better chance of being featured on TV if you have a kid with you (85% if the kid is cute and 100% if they are Haley Joel Osment cute.) So, assuming you are already a decent singer and you want to be on Idol, here is my plan for you:

Step 1: Acquire a child. Now, you can do this the natural way or you can simply borrow a friend's.

Step 2: Teach the kid to ham it up for the camera. If the kid gets quiet when the lights go on ditch him. You want an entertaining kid. Perhaps consider teaching him or her a catch phrase for after you make it, like, "Mommy's always been my idol!"

Step 3: Make sure producers see you with the kid, playing or having fun while waiting. Don't waste the kid.

Step 4: Perform, and if they don't already know about your child (or borrowed child) say something like, "My son/daughter/little brother/little sister loves the show and always wanted to meet you Simon." Always go for Simon (or whoever replaces him) you want to go for the person with the most pull. Nobody is going to believe your kid wants to meet Randy.

There you go! Grab your yellow ticket and pack your bags for Hollywood.

My (Fake) Interview With Randy Jackson

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with American Idol judge, Randy Jackson. Being my favorite judge on Idol, I was looking forward to asking him about America's most popular TV show. Unfortunately, I was left with few answers and perhaps a worse understanding of the English language. Here is the (fake) transcript of the interview:

Newman: Randy Jackson, thanks so much for taking the time.

Randy: What's going down, baby?

Newman: Um, nothing, nothing is going down. What's going down with you?

Randy: American Idol season 8, WHAT!

Newman: Yes, exciting, I'm looking forward to a good season. What do you think about this season's crop of singers.

Randy: Listen, baby, SEASON 8 IS BLAZIN' MOLTEN LAVA HOT!!

Newman: Wow, that is quite hot. Who are you most excited about?

Randy: Dawg, Season 8, I don't know, WHAT!

Newman: Why are you yelling?

Randy: The dawg's always excited, baby!

Newman: Um, ok, also, I feel uncomfortable with you calling me "Baby" if you wouldn't mind stopping that.

Randy: (Pointing at camera that does not exist) I like this one! We got a hot one right here!

Newman: Are you hitting on me?

Randy: Listen, we got some singers who can blow it out the box this season!

Newman: I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.

Randy: Blow it out the box, WHAT!

Newman: What box?

Randy: Listen, these cats can really blow. Season 8, gonna be hot!

Newman: Well I am looking forward to it. Thanks for coming by.

Randy: (Sucking in air between his closed teeth, like he is about to break bad news) I don't know dawg, this interview was just aight with me, kinda pitchy in spots. . . Paula?

Newman: Um, Paula isn't here, and how can an interview be 'Pitchy?'

Randy: Season 8 WHAT!

Newman: Goodbye, Mr. Jackson.