I've Lost Respect For Simon

So, here's Simon Cowell, he tells it like it is, sugar coats nothing and places honesty above kindness. An aura of authority and machismo the likes have which have not been seen since 90's WWF wrestler, Razor Ramon. He's a tough guy, a bully, or at least that's what I thought until last night's episode of Idol.

In a swift two seconds he changed my entire opinion about him. What did I realize? Simon Cowell claps like a girl!!! I don't know if it's a British thing, which would not surprise me, or just a Simon thing, but he looks so feminine clapping. (In the previous two sentences I have managed to insult women, Brits and people without hands.)

It's like realizing the bully from middle school still sleeps with a teddy bear. His mystique is gone! Here's a video of Simon clapping from X-Factor I couldn't find the Idol clip, but if you have it on your DVR, it's right at the beginning (actually, even if you don't have it on your DVR it is still at the beginning, it's not conditional on you having a copy of it.)

American Idol Allstars

Whether it's the lack of star power, boring theme weeks or the strange influx in faux-sexual tension amongst the judges (Kara and Simon mainly but I think that Ellen has a thing for the Dawg) American Idol just isn't the same. Ratings are dropping and, outside of Crystal Bowersox, nobody really interests me this season; and perhaps, maybe the most logical and simple reason is - the show has just run it's course.

The thing is, many, many reality shows have hit this point in their day and a trick a lot of them have used to spice things up is an Allstar competition. Survivor has done it, so has Road Rules and I assume other shows will follow (Brett Michael's Rock of Love Allstars - Now With More Diseases!) However, where this hasn't really interested me on other shows, I think an American Idol Allstars would be incredible.

Granted this would never happen, because the true stars and their labels (I think all the big ones are still on 19) wouldn't be thrilled about getting critiqued, but think of this line-up:

• Kelly Clarkson



• Carrie Underwood



• Chris Daughtry



• Jennifer Hudson



• Clay Aiken



• Kris Allen



• Adam Lambert



• Katherine McPhee



• Jordin Sparks



• David Cook



• David Archuleta



• Taylor Hicks



• Kimberley Locke

So, after Taylor Hicks gets eliminated in the first week, this show would be intense! Same deal as Idol now, except we would crown the ultimate Idol.

Who do you think it would be?

I would say it is between: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Daughtry. I think I would, especially after seeing her live, pick Carrie as the winner followed by Kelly Clarkson.

The Most Exciting Thing About This Season of Idol

To be honest, I am not sure anybody on this season of American Idol really intrigues me. I mean, I like Crystal and I like Alex Lambert, but I definitely feel this season is lacking in star power - not talent - star power. Sure, most of them are really good singers, but there's not much about any of them that interests me. Which, is why I have picked the most exciting thing about Season 9 of American Idol as:

Randy's Watch!


http://video.yahoo.com/watch/7130624/18562409 @ Yahoo! Video

Step aside innocent little Katie Stevens and Aaron Kelly. Move aside Andrew Garcia and your awesomely scary neck-tattoo. The coolest thing about Idol this year is that blue watch Randy wears. I did some research, because I really want one, and it's from a company called Toy Watch USA and cost between $100-$200, I believe.

I Got Your Digits

Since, we are fairly deep into season 9 of American Idol and apparently no one has mentioned this yet to the contestants, I guess I will:

You know those hand gestures you do to show us the number to call, yeah, your number's already on the screen.

I'm just letting you know this because it is kind of pointlessly redundant, and, unless you raise your hands to your forehead (encouraged for hilarity), they are blocked by the phone number graphic anyway. Sure it's kind of cute when you are number "1" and it looks like you are cheering yourself on, but when you're number "8" and trying to hold a microphone it looks like you're flashing a gang symbol. See that, you're gonna kill somebody.

Here's an idea of something you could do when you're standing there as Seacrest reads your number: Slam the microphone down, hope for feedback and yell, "Thank you Los Angeles!" Nobody has done that before (in fact, I don't think anyone has done that since the 80's.) You'd get my vote (figure of speech, not my actual vote, I don't care enough to call in.) Other ideas include: A hilarious dance move, goofy face, pat Ryan on the head (only works if you are taller than Ryan, in other words, it works) or that move where it looks like you remove your thumb and put it back on.

How YOU Can Be On American Idol!

Thousands upon thousands of people try out for American Idol every season. Of those thousands really only a handful are so skilled the judges can picture them as the winner of the competition. However, before they get to that Kelly Clarkson, David Cook or Kris Allen they show tons of people auditioning. The people they show will fall into one of three categories:

1. Amazing
2. Good
3. Bad but somewhat funny

The majority of contestants that make it on to TV are in the 'Good' category, but the thing is, there are tons of 'good' singers who try out. So, how can you be one of those 'good' singers who actually get featured on TV. Sure, you could be really attractive, have an interesting story or hook up with the producers (my plan) but there is one simple way you can improve your chances dramatically: Bring a kid.

You have a 73% (complete guess) better chance of being featured on TV if you have a kid with you (85% if the kid is cute and 100% if they are Haley Joel Osment cute.) So, assuming you are already a decent singer and you want to be on Idol, here is my plan for you:

Step 1: Acquire a child. Now, you can do this the natural way or you can simply borrow a friend's.

Step 2: Teach the kid to ham it up for the camera. If the kid gets quiet when the lights go on ditch him. You want an entertaining kid. Perhaps consider teaching him or her a catch phrase for after you make it, like, "Mommy's always been my idol!"

Step 3: Make sure producers see you with the kid, playing or having fun while waiting. Don't waste the kid.

Step 4: Perform, and if they don't already know about your child (or borrowed child) say something like, "My son/daughter/little brother/little sister loves the show and always wanted to meet you Simon." Always go for Simon (or whoever replaces him) you want to go for the person with the most pull. Nobody is going to believe your kid wants to meet Randy.

There you go! Grab your yellow ticket and pack your bags for Hollywood.

Not You Too Top Chef!

Almost every single reality TV show can be boiled down to one thing people really seem to care about: Who's hooking up? This obviously started with The Real World, where the only thing people wanted to know was which cast members were getting it on (and, eventually, will Ruthie die?) Think about it. Almost every reality show. Take American Idol. Sure, the premise of the show is who is the best singer, but David Cook can't do an interview without being asked about former contestant (girlfriend?) Kimberly Caldwell, viewers talk about whether Simon really has a thing for some of the female contestants, or a thing for Seacrest? This whole premise spawned shows like Rock of Love with Brett Michaels, where Brett hooks up with contestants/hookers in hopes of finding a keeper who he'll dump approximately one week after the show ends, and Flavor of Love and so on, there are tons.

My favorite reality competition show is Top Chef, a show about chefs competiting to be crowned champion. Nothing sexual. Until this season at least. Last night Top Chef aired a reunion show. Really, a reunion show? This isn't The Bachelor. A reunion show where one of the first questions covered was about Hosea and Leah kissing. Unless they are opening a restaurant together, that is not something I care about. Um, what about "Hosea, when are you opening a restaurant?" Or, "Who made the best dish you guys tasted?" I watch the show to see the food they make, not whether they are dining on each other's tongues.

My (Fake) Interview With Randy Jackson

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with American Idol judge, Randy Jackson. Being my favorite judge on Idol, I was looking forward to asking him about America's most popular TV show. Unfortunately, I was left with few answers and perhaps a worse understanding of the English language. Here is the (fake) transcript of the interview:

Newman: Randy Jackson, thanks so much for taking the time.

Randy: What's going down, baby?

Newman: Um, nothing, nothing is going down. What's going down with you?

Randy: American Idol season 8, WHAT!

Newman: Yes, exciting, I'm looking forward to a good season. What do you think about this season's crop of singers.

Randy: Listen, baby, SEASON 8 IS BLAZIN' MOLTEN LAVA HOT!!

Newman: Wow, that is quite hot. Who are you most excited about?

Randy: Dawg, Season 8, I don't know, WHAT!

Newman: Why are you yelling?

Randy: The dawg's always excited, baby!

Newman: Um, ok, also, I feel uncomfortable with you calling me "Baby" if you wouldn't mind stopping that.

Randy: (Pointing at camera that does not exist) I like this one! We got a hot one right here!

Newman: Are you hitting on me?

Randy: Listen, we got some singers who can blow it out the box this season!

Newman: I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.

Randy: Blow it out the box, WHAT!

Newman: What box?

Randy: Listen, these cats can really blow. Season 8, gonna be hot!

Newman: Well I am looking forward to it. Thanks for coming by.

Randy: (Sucking in air between his closed teeth, like he is about to break bad news) I don't know dawg, this interview was just aight with me, kinda pitchy in spots. . . Paula?

Newman: Um, Paula isn't here, and how can an interview be 'Pitchy?'

Randy: Season 8 WHAT!

Newman: Goodbye, Mr. Jackson.