Official Thanksgiving Blog

What I am about to say may be considered blasphemous. For those of you who take offence to it, I apologize. So, even if you vote me off to Canada (I believe that's how it works) at least I will have gotten such an important topic off my chest:

I think turkey is overrated.

There. I said it. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and all I heard, and hear every year, is:

"The turkey was so good!"
"The turkey was so moist!"
"I would sell my first born child into a lifetime of backbreaking labor for just one more bite!"

But, you know what the truth is people - turkey is bland. It is boring. In fact, it's fame was only garnered from the unsung hero of Thanksgiving - Gravy. Gravy makes a turkey. In fact, gravy makes half the foods served at Thanksgiving; you just dump it all over everything on your plate and WHAM! you've got a plate of amazingness. Turkey by itself is just not that pleasant.

Ham - now there's a meat. Did the pilgrims and indians eat ham? Who cares. Can you put gravy on ham? No idea. But, is ham better than turkey? Well, that's like asking something as stupid as whether grapes are better than apples (obviously, grapes are far better because apples get your hands sticky.) So, anyway, feel free to respond to this post in support of making ham the official meat of Thanksgiving, because anything that comes off a pig, is something I am thankful for.

Games With Kids Aren't Fun

This past weekend Christine and I got to visit with some friends of ours who happen to have a young son, I believe he is 3 or 4 years old. Let me start off by saying, I really enjoy spending time with them, and their son, CJ, is the coolest, however there is always one thing I don't like when I hang out kids: They always want to play a game with you. At first I think OH COOL A GAME! I am super competitive and would love to mop the floor with my opponent, regardless of age. The problem is, beating a kid is very tough to do.

You have to be ready because, when you play a game with a kid, the rules can change at any second. We were playing a game of bingo, where the wheel had different barnyard animals on it that match up with your bingo sheet, if you get four in a row you win . . . or so I thought. Here I was just needing a brown horse to win when I hear CJ yell, "BINGO!" I look over, thinking I just lost, only to see CJ's score card with only two animals marked off and not even in a line, just two random animals. It was at this point that I found out, apparently you can win if you get two animals who just look like each other! I had no idea! Of course, upset with the sudden rule change, I slammed my board down and went outside to pace around for a bit. I then came back in to play another round. In this second round I lost because you can now also win by just getting ONE ANIMAL if you have seen it before in person. Here I am with a cow and a horse already marked off, both of which I have seen multiple times in my life and I just sat there like a sucker! I then promptly left and don't plan on speaking to CJ again.

So, for your benefit, here are some other rules to be aware of that could pop up next time you play a game with a small child:

- Battleship: It's not who sinks the other person's boats first, it's who can eat their own destroyer.

- Monopoly: Try to get the car because you are allowed to drive it to which ever space you need to get to at any point in time.

- Chutes and Ladders: It's really Ladders and Ladders, because all chutes can become ladders for your opponent.

- Tag: Be prepared, if you go to tag your opponent he may actually have an invisible fence around him you were unaware of.

- Video Games: You will automatically start without a fast car, strong character or, in some cases, even a joystick.

My Family Is Expanding!

My family is expanding! No, it's not a baby or a new pet, it's my brand new photographer. That's right I am considering buying a photographer that will live with me for the rest of my life. He (sorry, no women can apply, I already have the idea in my head of a little guy who wears a newsboy hat and wears a tweed vest following me by my side) will live with me, eat with me and be part of my family. I have not told Christine yet, but I think she'll be cool with it. Why would I do this? Well, I'll tell you, and you'll understand why you should as well.

I am tired of wanting to take pictures of Christine and I and having to ask some stranger to do it. First off, I automatically assume they are going to steal my camera. Second, you have to go through the whole spiel of how your camera works, even though they won't figure it out and you end up standing there holding a stupid smile on your face for what feels like an eternity, only to wind up walking back over and explaining it again since you apparently asked the only guy in the world who has never used a camera before to take your picture. The other option of course is to do, what I call, The Myspace Picture, where you stand together and one of you holds the camera out in front of you and takes the picture which no doubt makes your head look enormous and pale.

So, if you are interested in living with me for the rest of my life, though never appearing in any pictures, please email me at Newman@wpst.com.

A Request

Ok, it is evident that one day I will be ridiculously famous. I'm talking Angelina Jolie famous. It is also evident that one day I will die, and when that happens I am sure it will deeply sadden a large portion of planet Earth, except for the people behind www.IHateNewman.com (Note: This website doesn't exist yet, but I am sure it will since people who attain the level of stature that I will, will have their detractors . . . ANOTHER NOTE: It would be awesome if someone wanted to start this site.) When I do die, there is one thing I would like to request: Whatever happens after my death, I DO NOT WANT A HIGHWAY REST-STOP NAMED AFTER ME!

Molly Pitcher, Vince Lombardi,Thomas Alva Edison, these are just a few of the once respected figures who had their names tarnished by highway rest-stops. If someone told Edison while he was working on the lightbulb, that to honor him we would attach his name to a place where people get a burger, go to the bathroom and purchase avaitor sunglasses, we'd probably still be living in the dark.

Please, feel free to stick my name on a football stadium, concert hall, heck, even a car would be fine ("Feel Like a Brand New Man in The Brand New Ford Newman" - gold), but please don't make a Michael George Newman Rest and Service Area. Thank you.

I've Embarressed Myself

This past weekend I attended the Rutgers vs Syracuse football game, which shouldn't come as a suprise since I'm a huge Rutgers fan and bleed scarlet (Ok, technically everyone bleeds scarlet but I bleed scarlet because I am a Rutgers fan, not because I am a human). During the first quarter, the crowd started up the, "Defense!" chant. I immediately joined in as to assist in letting the team know what to do (in this case - play defense.) It proceeded to get really loud in the stadium as most fans joined in, some stomping their feet, some clapping along with the chant, and some, like the guy next to me, yelling into his cellphone about some email he never received.

The chanting lasted about 20 seconds, when, apparently, everyone in the stadium decided collectively to stop . . . except me. It got dead quiet as I yelled, "DEFENSE!!!" (Actually, I yelled, "DEFEN" really loud and "ce" in a long drawn out sigh that got progressively softer as I realized I was the only one shouting.) Boy, was my face red! Yup, I painted my face red. But, I was also embarrassed from the whole situation I just described.

I told everyone to go to hell, except the guy who was sitting next to me, who I believe ran out of the stadium because he may have lost his job . . . which made me feel a little better.

The Celebrity Status Scale

I've got news for you, much like every standard person, not every celebrity is created equal. They span the gamut from Angelina Jolie to Six from the 90's sitcom "Blossom." So, how do you know where you fall on the Celebrity Scale? Well, I can't answer that question for everyone, but I have figured out a way to determine if you are in the bottom half.

You will automatically know you have not fully made it when you are the second guest on a late night talk show. It's true. The first guest talks about the movie they have coming out, the second guest has Jack Hannah's animals climbing all over them.

Don't believe me? Here is an example, tonight on "The Late Late Show" the first guest is Sean William Scott (Stifler from American Pie.) Not a HUGE star but big enough to grab the first spot. The second guest, Kathy Kinney from "The Drew Carey Show." Yes, Mimi from "The Drew Carey Show." A show that went off the air almost four years ago and wasn't all that good when it was on!

That being said, I would kill to be the second guest on a late night talk show.

How To Be Important

There's a lot to be scared of these days: Losing your job, the lost fortune in your 401k, dinosaurs. It is enough to strike fear in most people's hearts. While, I can't help you with your 401k or being attacked by a dinosaur, I believe I can help save your job. It's simple and brilliant and I came up with it this past weekend.

You need to show your company you're important, and nothing screams importance like having a Blackberry. It says, I am willing to answer emails while eating dinner with my family or while attending a funeral. The problem for average Joe's like me is cost. I can't afford a Blackberry and the monthly fees it will charge me. So, what's a guy to do? Here is where my plan takes shape.

Whenever, someone responds to your email from a Blackberry what does it say? "Sent From My Blackberry Wireless" It reeks of importance! I automatically assume, this guy knows how to tie a windsor knot. So, here is my idea, which is your's free of charge (until you use it, in which case it costs $49.95 and you can make checks payable to me), simply change your email signature to say, "Sent from my Blackberry Wireless." BOOM!!! I'll allow you to pick up the pieces of your head that I just exploded!!

You're welcome.

Hope Over Fear

In Obama's victory speech he commended Americans for choosing hope over fear. But, I feel this is an easy choice. I'm not saying I am pro-Obama or pro-McCain, or pro-any other candidate, all I'm saying is that when boiled down to such a simple question, Hope or Fear, it is pretty easy. Here are some tougher choices:

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Hope Over Chocolate - Really, it depends how much chocolate, but I don't think chocolate could really win this one

Hope Over a Small Puppy - This is tough, the small puppy is no doubt extremely cute. Still, puppies are a lot of work and could eat your TV remote. I'll take hope.


Hope Over An Apple - Granny Smith? Hope. McIntosh? Push.

Hope Over A Pet Monkey - Hope. Pet monkeys are so overrated.

Hope Over The Complete First Season of Alf on DVD - Hope. Alf sucked.

Hope Over The Flu - At first glance, this is an easy choice, but think about it for a second. Can you call out of work because you have hope? Doubtful. Can you stay in bed all day and watch The Price Is Right when you have hope? Probably on occasion, but most days you would still have to work. Advantage - Hope (But debatable)

Hope Over The Ability to Talk to a Hologram - Hope. See previous post.

I'm Wolf Blitzer!

If you watched the CNN coverage of the election on Tuesday, you saw the new technology they had been waiting to drop on the American people. Interviews with people as holograms!! If you missed it, here is a clip:




Here is what I believe happened in the commercial break after this aired between Wolf Blitzer and his producer:

Wolf: "Are you serious?!! A hologram! I'm Wolf Blitzer!! I worked my whole life to build up a credible image and garner the respect of the American people, and you have me talking to Princess Leia? Do you know what my name is? It's Wolf Blitzer. Yes, my first name is Wolf, and do you know what Blitz means in German? It means lightning. . . Are you laughing at something?. . . What's your name? . . . Jake? Your name is Jake?. . . I'm shaking in my penny-loafers. I will rip your heart out of your chest and eat it for breakfast. I'm Wolf Blitzer! That's it, I'm walking."

Jake: "Wait, Wolf."

Wolf: "No. Get Anderson to do this crap."

Cougar Town . . . OR . . . Cougar Town

This past week it was reported that former "Friend's" actress Courtney Cox Arquette will star in a new show called, "Cougar Town" on ABC. This news was extremely disappointing to me because it just so happens I was currently working on a TV pilot also titled, "Cougar Town".

Okay, so you play TV channel exec. and decide which one you would rather pick up based on their premises, my version of Cougar Town or Courtney Cox Arquette's:

1. Courtney's "Cougar Town": A 40 year-old mom, who is newly single, enjoys her new found single-ness, much to the dismay of her teenage son. Follows the trend of being a "Cougar," a woman who dates younger men (see: Ashton and Demi)

2. My "Cougar Town": A 40-year old mom and her son move to a town where one of the residents keeps a real, live cougar. Episodes circle around the difficulties of living next door to an extremely dangerous carnivore (Ex. Trying to go for a walk around the neighborhood, waiting for the school bus, etc . . . really it writes itself.)

I believe the choice is clear.